Hurt

You know, it's bad enough when people hurt you. I've been disappointed, annoyed, and angered by numerous people in my life. People have abandoned me, betrayed me, and even taken advatage of my good nature. I've just had enough of this garbage.

However, the Lord has called me to a new life. As a Christian, I've accepted Christ as my Master, and I am to live according to His will. This means to love others even when they're not loving, and to forgive the unforgivable. This sometimes feels like a one-way street, though. How can I love people who don't love me, and how the heck am I supposed to refrain from taking revenge on someone who has hurt me badly? Well, I do it anyway because I know that God has called me to be loving, gentle, and kind - the exact opposite of what I am naturally. I'm giving it all I've got, and though people around me continue to take and take and take, and give nothing back, I know that I am living in obedience to the Lord.

Stuff it! Who cares what others think of me?!

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sick of It

Just got back from an intense conference. I've been thinking about what it means to be a Christian, and I've been burning with anger while doing so.

So, here's a list of things that 'Christians' do:

- Go to church
- Hold meetings for church events
- Listen to Christian music
- Don't get drunk, swear, do anything 'bad'
- Hang out with Christian friends
- Pray before meals
- Pray for things in life
- Listen to sermons
- Do Bible studies
- Go to youth group
- Read the Bible
- Talk about God
- Talk about Jesus
- Talk about church, church events, etc.
- Ask God to bless work, studies, life, etc.
- Sing Christian hymns

That's what Christians do, right? That's how we live, right? But somehow, there's something wrong about this picture...Wrong enough to make me mad.

If this is all that there is to the Christian life, then what's the point? It's just behaviour - neutral empty behaviour - neither good nor bad. If this is all, then I'd rather not be a Christian and 'believe in God'.

Blessed

I've been a Christian for just over 2 years now. I may be a bit of a cynic, but as I reflect on my life, I realise that I am greatly blessed. Without Christ in my life, I really don't know where I'd be today.

So, here are a few things that He has given me that I'm thankful for:

- I'm need not be caught up in the ins and outs of daily life eg. stressful work, pressing deadlines, relationship problems, unfriendly situations, etc.

- I don't need to have the biggest, best, or fanciest car, gadget, house, clothes, etc.

• "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." Matthew 6:19
  

- I realise that I don't have to be superman

• "I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing." John 15:5

- I don't have to be worried about what others think of me - as long as God loves me, nothing else really matters

- I have an underlying sense of peace - no matter whether I'm happy or sad, whether I'm being productive or destructive, whether I've encouraged someone or whether I've just called someone a bloody idiot, God still loves me no matter what

- Instead of being nitpicky about others' faults, I have started to become more merciful and forgiving

- Instead of answering back or raging when someone makes me angry, I have learned to hold back or answer gently

- I'm able to be less 'afraid' of, have a closer relationship with my friends because I'm beginning to understand that although they live different lives to me, they, too, are broken humans and are in need of love and assurance

- When times get tough, I know they won't last forever

- When it comes to boy-girl relationships, I now understand that it's not about finding the right girl, but rather, BEING the right guy

- What can I say? I'm alive, I'm blessed, and (only beginning to understand that) I'm loved

Life...

Hmmm...What is life all about, anyway? What is the purpose? You get born, grow up and learn, keep growing and learning (all to get ready for the work force), then you start working, get married and have kids of your own, then you retire and then it's over...if you're lucky. But seriously, what's the purpose of all this? I just don't see an end to it. (Well, there is an END...x_x) Call me a cynic, but what's the use? You get educated when you're young, you go to uni, and then you work. But why do you work? To get money...to stay alive...urrrr...then what? Then you have kids...who eventually will end up doing the same thing...urrrggghhh.

What do people live for these days anyway? Wealth? Job success? Skill? Romance? Entertainment? Status? Sure, it's quite possible to have these things, but what does it matter? And then there are those people who I call 'winners' - those ones who say you can achieve anything if you believe in yourself and guff like that. BLEH! Seriously, what the heck?!

Honestly, I'm not sure what else there is to life. I'm 'only' 20. I don't get how people in their 40s and 50s are not sick of their own lives already. This whole thing just makes me sad.

...to be continued...

Strange Change 2

Well, having said that, I'll move onto the ending where the hero slays the dragon, gets its skin, has it processed at the tannery, sews the tanned dragon leather into a dragonhide vest and then sells it on the Grand Exchange, and everybody lives happily ever after (lol RuneScape).

But seriously, during a relationships conference early this month, after a sermon on forgiveness, I made a sudden realisation. As I said, I was picked on a lot at school. That was because of my over-anxious compulsive behaviour. They made fun of me because I was different. Teachers thought I was autistic or something. I was also hard to look after at home. I just wonder how it was that my parents, especially my mum, kept on loving me. It was even worse during high school, when my anxieties heightened, causing me to act out even more, and get picked on worse. My high school days (up to year 10) were full of hate, death threats (from me) and excessive use of the middle finger. As things got worse during high school, so they got worse at home. I would refuse to finish my food, for example, because of my paranoid beliefs at the time, and I yelled at my mum and called her stupid. I must have been such a burden on my parents back then. Is it to anybody's surprise that I don't tend to feel good about myself? Yeah, the majority of us don't have childhoods that dark. Still, this was no excuse for holding onto my old ways.

I just had to forgive myself. One: for being 'scum' during the childhood and early adolescent years. Two: for causing my parents (at least in my mind) so much grief (it probably wasn't that bad for them, but I just felt really bad for 'being a burden'). That moment of realisation was the turning point for me. If I had to do anything for God, it was to forgive myself and accept his love for me which I had unknowingly rejected by holding a grudge against myself. As for now, I'm tired of what demands the world throws at me, and what demands I throw at myself. In God's eyes, I'm forgiven and clean because of Jesus' death, and that's good enough for me any day.

Strange Change 1

Alright, so I'm not exactly my own biggest fan. To say the least, I haven't really liked myself that much throughout my life. I never had a great childhood because of school bullying and whatnot, and (long story short) it's stuck with me until now. So, nowadays, I have a habit of looking down on myself and anticipating that others will look down on me as well.

Now, I knew looking down on myself didn't help, and until very recently, it was just a habit. On a deeper level, it just felt like a part of myself; my identity. I really like things that are familiar to me and I'm not too fond of er...foreign stuff e.g. I get homesick really easily, and I'm not too comfortable around strangers. Looking down on myself and fearing others has been a way of life for...idk how long, but long enough for it to be a natural response. I guess that's why many people who have abusive relationships keep on seeking the same abusive types of partners over and over. It's unhelpful, but they're comfortable with it because that's what they're used to (not always, of course). But just as these people keep seeking unhelpful relationships, so I keep thinking of myself in an unhelpful way...

For me, getting rid of these habits meant losing something I was comfortable with; something I was familiar with. Looking down on myself just feels like a part of who I am...

Shocking discovery

Tonight, I made an unpleasant discovery. I prayed to God and looked deeply into my life, and I saw that the amount of love I have for God is very, very tiny; like a grain of sand. That's the sad truth, and I can't pretend that I have any more than that, lest I be living and working a lie. Still, a grain of sand is definately better than nothing. I'm not willing to let go of it that easily.