Strange Change 2

Well, having said that, I'll move onto the ending where the hero slays the dragon, gets its skin, has it processed at the tannery, sews the tanned dragon leather into a dragonhide vest and then sells it on the Grand Exchange, and everybody lives happily ever after (lol RuneScape).

But seriously, during a relationships conference early this month, after a sermon on forgiveness, I made a sudden realisation. As I said, I was picked on a lot at school. That was because of my over-anxious compulsive behaviour. They made fun of me because I was different. Teachers thought I was autistic or something. I was also hard to look after at home. I just wonder how it was that my parents, especially my mum, kept on loving me. It was even worse during high school, when my anxieties heightened, causing me to act out even more, and get picked on worse. My high school days (up to year 10) were full of hate, death threats (from me) and excessive use of the middle finger. As things got worse during high school, so they got worse at home. I would refuse to finish my food, for example, because of my paranoid beliefs at the time, and I yelled at my mum and called her stupid. I must have been such a burden on my parents back then. Is it to anybody's surprise that I don't tend to feel good about myself? Yeah, the majority of us don't have childhoods that dark. Still, this was no excuse for holding onto my old ways.

I just had to forgive myself. One: for being 'scum' during the childhood and early adolescent years. Two: for causing my parents (at least in my mind) so much grief (it probably wasn't that bad for them, but I just felt really bad for 'being a burden'). That moment of realisation was the turning point for me. If I had to do anything for God, it was to forgive myself and accept his love for me which I had unknowingly rejected by holding a grudge against myself. As for now, I'm tired of what demands the world throws at me, and what demands I throw at myself. In God's eyes, I'm forgiven and clean because of Jesus' death, and that's good enough for me any day.

Strange Change 1

Alright, so I'm not exactly my own biggest fan. To say the least, I haven't really liked myself that much throughout my life. I never had a great childhood because of school bullying and whatnot, and (long story short) it's stuck with me until now. So, nowadays, I have a habit of looking down on myself and anticipating that others will look down on me as well.

Now, I knew looking down on myself didn't help, and until very recently, it was just a habit. On a deeper level, it just felt like a part of myself; my identity. I really like things that are familiar to me and I'm not too fond of er...foreign stuff e.g. I get homesick really easily, and I'm not too comfortable around strangers. Looking down on myself and fearing others has been a way of life for...idk how long, but long enough for it to be a natural response. I guess that's why many people who have abusive relationships keep on seeking the same abusive types of partners over and over. It's unhelpful, but they're comfortable with it because that's what they're used to (not always, of course). But just as these people keep seeking unhelpful relationships, so I keep thinking of myself in an unhelpful way...

For me, getting rid of these habits meant losing something I was comfortable with; something I was familiar with. Looking down on myself just feels like a part of who I am...